Time Machines, Why We Don't Have Them, and Why We Never Will

Douglas Adams's book Life, The Universe And Everything (the lack of a second comma is not a typo) has a section about time travel that talks about how history is so messed up as a result of time travel, but because of the rules of time, nothing was ever messed up, that's just how it happened in the first place because after all, in our minds, perception is reality. For example, I could tell you that the signing of the Declaration of Independance was actually a massive viewing of the movie Jaws and later someone went back in time, delayed the production of Jaws a few hundred years (I could also say that Jaws was originally made in 1346) and replaced it with the starting of an exceedingly boring country known as The Republic of People Who Like Jaws. However, then another person later went back and saw to it that the country was named The United States of America. How would you prove me wrong? After all, nobody would know what the past was like before time travel. However the very premise of time travel proves that none of this could have happened because of the lack of time machines in the past, present, and future, because with the implications of time machines, they all suddenly would be in complete contact with each other.

Here's why

Let's say that a person ten years in the future invents a time machine. But through a horrifying accident, he dies from a giant moustrap (because we all know that the earth in five years is going to be invaded by giant mice that find it humorous to use giant moustraps on humans) and his machine is destroyed with him. But taking the secular standpoint that time and the universe itself is infinite, someone after him would make another time machine. He would most likely also die, though it would be from an incident involving a fossilized tomato. So suppose that another person a few million years in the future makes a time machine and survives long enough to use it. He's suddenly going to have access to every point in time, and one of these infinite number of people who manages to make and use a time machine is going to have infinite opportunities to share the knowledge with some poor sap in the past. Eventually this infinite number of people, through the infinity of time would have visited the very beginning of time and given people the technology of time machines. So now people have always had time machines. However going back to the original point that perception is reality and history is perception, we would have no knowledge of time machines not existing. They would have always been there. Therefore we would have them now at this very moment and I would have seen my future self telling me to not waste my time writing this post because I'm not going to go back in time and have it happen. No, it would have already happened because anything that I do in the future that involves going into my past, I would experience as it happens in the past before I go to the future. But since we don't have time machines now, we never will because time travel just isn't possible since we don't and didn't always have the knowledge.

Stories about germs and dessert

There once was a story about a germ that got caught in a mousetrap but the germ was so small that he fell through into another dimension and the mousetrap went right through it and became a piece of fudge. The fudge was dark chocolate rocky road and it has a muffin fetish which is frowned upon in fudgy culture. Everyone knows that fudges are supposed to marry cupcakes and have little brownie childrenAnd then set down moustraps to catch germs in other dimensions. They really only do it because they have a crippling psychological disorder that makes them fear traps but because of their crazy minds they end up setting traps for trapsAnd then one day they realized that they could make germs fall into their dimension with the traps and it became some kind of a twisted evil sport. This sport is of course called Cricket and is in no way related to the evil British sport called Cricket, or the people of Kricket who once tried to build a bomb that would destroy the universe but instead became quite depressed (read Life, The Universe, and Everything for more info on Kricket) But back to the subject, this particular fudge was named Roger and Jelly Beans were his mortal enemies. Roger hates those Jelly Beans with their fire engines that shoot pink slime at unsuspecting tourists. This pink slime causes purple flowers to grow out of anything that it touches, except of course the jelly beans and the brownielings. The reason that there is no dialog in this story is because of the obvious fact that since they have no mouths, fudges are in fact mute. Normally Roger wouldn't have a problem with the flowers, however the color purple causes seizures in fudges. But Roger is immune so he therefore has no reason to fear the flowers. So discovering this immunity, Roger decides to go on a quest to destroy the Jelly Beans with nothing but mousetraps and a retrovirus brought by the germs that causes Jelly Beans to have uncontrollable urges to dress up like bananas and swing blankets around like tomahawks. Having done this, the climax of the story passed without Roger or you, the reader knowing about it, we have gotten past Roger's one weakness which is the climax of a story. Because if Roger ever experiences the climax of a story and is aware of it, he will disappear and immediately be replaced by an incredibly large minnow.

Wait, So Does This Mean That I'm Some Kind Of Gaming Masochist?

As a Christmas present I received a copy of Prinny: Can I Be The Hero. For anyone who doesn't know what it is which is probably everyone who would ever read this, Prinny is a game made by Nippon Ichi Software. Usually that name strikes fear and immense amusement in the heart of just about any gamer, however this time NIS went beyond the call of duty and made what was intended to be the hardest platformer ever made. Well I'm pretty sure that it's safe to say that they succeeded. After all, I've only beaten 2 levels and I've lost over one hundred lives.

In Prinny, you take the role of 1000 creatures called Prinnies. Prinnies are weird ninja surfer penguins that say Dood at the end of every sentence and explode when you throw them. Your quest is to make dessert. Yes, I'm quite serious. But to make this certain "ultimate dessert", you have to gather ingredients from various enemies of your master. To do this, the Prinnies have to do some insane platforming. However you would think that the moment they hit the ground after jumping off of a cliff that they would explode right? Well your master Etna thinks of that and makes you an explosion-proof scarf. Yes, a scarf. However there's only one scarf and 1,000 Prinnies. So when one Prinny dies in a usually humorous way involving a zombie, the next one takes the scarf and carries on the quest.

1,000 lives doesn't sound too bad does it? Well first of all you die in one hit unless you want to be a wuss and play on the easy difficulty which will result in all of the game's fans ridiculing you, the makers of the game will ridicule you, and I will shake my head sadly. Not only do you die in one hit, you can't hit things above you so you have to do a ridiculous double jump to get over the thing and then throw a bunch of knives downward. There are blind jumps everywhere, enemies randomly pop out of the ground forcing you to memorize where they come out, and you can't change your direction in midair so all you can do when you jump off of that ledge and see that flying zombie plant racing towards you, all you can do is scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! and watch your Prinny explode.

And this isn't even the hard part. After each level is a stupidly hard boss. Remember you die in one hit. They die in several dozen. And the only way to get a hit on the boss is to pound on it's head from above and then hit it while it's stunned. Once again, it sounds easy. However most bosses have the ability to hit things above them, and if you so much as touch the boss, the scarf is going to another Prinny. So after fighting a boss you're likely to have lost upwards of 100 lives in just that one level.

Needless to say this game is freakishly hard. Yet for some reason I'm frustrating minute of it. I guess I must be crazy or something.

New Moon lolcats and New Year's Resolutions

So as a New Year's resolution I decided to start blogging again. It may not be about anything in particular, but who said a rabid camel has to make sense? But first of all, here's a link to a brilliant little post:

*NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT*
http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like and it contains massive New Moon spoilers so read at your own risk.

So like I said, I've been thinking of a New Year's resolution and the only thing besides growing an afro was to start blogging again. After all, I blogged for years on Xanga and it was one of the most relaxing stimulating things I ever did. Anyway whether I was writing about Monty Python, crazy social situations, eternal warping situations involving my left ear, or just screaming at people in a British accent, I always had fun. I don't really care if you didn't have fun but you're not being forced to read this... Until now.

Suppose there's an old man sitting in a tree. The old man can't and has to use a powerchair. Unfortunately because of this he can't get out of the tree and he's too high up to just jump out. How do we get him out? Climb up and carry him out you say? The trunk isn't really there. It's just floating. What about a helicopter? Unfortunately it has anti helicopter flying thingamajigger leaves so you would think that a helicopter would work. But what if the helicopter isn't there? Get another one? What the heck is up with you? Let me think of my crazy theories while I listen to the noise of cars wrecking. But if you tell me you're going to get another helicopter then I'm just going to say that there's no reason for that because I'll just say that it isn't really there.

Now, if you were to tell me that I'm insane, couldn't I just say you're insane? After all, in my mind it could be reality, but then I would be insane. So I'm insane either way? Well you're insane. WHAT NOW?!?!?!

But seriously now, it's the end of the year and I just realized that my life has changed crazily this year. First of all, I've started hanging around with a lot of different people than I used to. Mostly those deviously evil little public schoolers. However after an extended leave of absense from various homeschooler events, I started hanging out with them again. So I guess it's a win-win situation.

Also, I'm no longer a vegetarian after 2 and a half years. Actually I just realized that this made it sound like I just started eating meat again. No, that was about 3 months ago. Just remember that obsessive label reading is real and not fun.

Thirdly I finally realized what I really want to do for a career. I'm planning on becoming a high school counselor as ironic as that is. I know here I am a homeschooled guy who could have his masters degree by the time he's 22 and he wants to be a high school counselor. Ah well, I have yet to have any direction otherwise so I'm just going to hope that this is what God wants me to do. So despite the irony, I plan on going through with this.

That's all I'm going to talk about for now. I'll talk to you doods later.