Ways to Trap Various Endangered Animals

The obvious way would be with a very powerful gun. However suppose you actually wanted to read this post and you didn't have a gun, now you'll have to think creatively. Tonight we shall examine various species and discuss (meaning you'll read my talking/typing/whatever you feel like calling it) as I come up with creative and unusual ways to trap various endangered animals. By the way, I did not say that they would be alive, my methods can never ensure such an eventuality so you'll just have have a sense of humor and not have a suspension of disbelief.

The first species we will look at is the panda bear. Everyone likes pandas, even pandas like pandas. We like sex, unfortunately pandas don't which is why they're endangered. Honestly, I think that when a species has hit a point where we're trying to sneak aphrodisiacs into their food that the species just needs to be let go. It's like all of those erectile dysfunction commercials should have pandas instead of people. But back to the trapping. One method would the obvious snare trap or a pit trap, however I have two methods, the first one involves using other species of bears in heat which would deter the panda away from them into my waiting tank (use whichever usage of the word tank comes to mind first. I don't care how violent your mind is). The other method involves baiting the panda with some bamboo shoots which are coated in chloroform. Any sane person can figure out what the outcome of this would be.

The next species is the pygmy hippopotamus. I do not want one for Christmas because being a pygmy, they're too small to be seen which is why they are incredibly difficult to trap. However after borrowing some equipment from the Ghostbusters (namely a sandwich), you'll be ready to trap the pygmy hippopotamus. The secret to trapping the pygmy hippo lies in draining whatever lake it is in by making the water just randomly disappear. Now the water has to go somewhere if it's going to randomly disappear because water can't just randomly disappear. So the water goes into the hippo making it very large and bloated so it will just fall over and be incapable of moving while you just tickle it into submission with your epic tickling powers.

And since I'm too lazy to continue this now, I'll post more some other time.

Moronic Marion Moments #1: "Dude, You Wanna Get Robbed?"

I was on my way to my weekly viola lesson and was just pulling to a parking spot close to the police station. A white minivan pulled into the space across from me. While I was pulling my music together a shirtless guy wearing basketball shorts walks out of the van and walks up to my partially open window. "Hey dude, do you have a flat-bladed screwdriver I can borrow?" I looked at him for a second and asked, "What?" He responded with some giberish that sounded like, "Whazat you're trying to shove through my speakthing?!?!" He looks at me for a second and says "Duh, I was just wondering if you have a screwdriver." I'm like "No..." and he's like, "Well then can you go down to the police station and ask for one?" I'm like, "Uh, I'm going the other way."

So he looks around and sees 4 people walking around the street who stopped to see if anything was happening. However, he didn't see the police officer who was walking along the sidewalk who had stopped to watch the situation. So the guy leans down close to the window and rests his hands on the top of the car and asks, "Dude, you wanna get robbed?" and then started looking at the other people and smirking. But the way he said it was so ridiculously non-intimidating and the fact that the police officer was quickly walking over to my car made me almost start laughing. So I looked at him and said, "Okay fine, I'll go to the police station," Then I acted scared, paused for a second, and said, "No wait, I have a better idea" as I pulled out my wallet. "Here I have this 2 mm guitar pick that works really well as a screwdriver." So the guy gets starts fidgeting, his hands start shaking, and he says, "No wait, I wasn't serious. I didn't mean that." and I'm like, "No really take it, I don't need it." Then I stopped and looked over at the cop walking over. As I'm doing this, the guy looks over to see what I'm staring at and he starts yelling "NO KEEP IT, I NEVER WANTED ANYTHING FROM YOU!" and runs away. So the cop walks over and asks me if I'm okay and I'm like "Yeah, the poor guy just wanted a screwdriver."

Bye Bye PSP

Things have been weird lately, I'm not even going to get into most of the things that have been going on. Though one thing has been bothering me. Is it considered boosting if I'm playing CoD locally with a couple certain people who just started playing the game? Because the games the night before last were quite interesting and resulted in me building up more points than I usually do in an entire week playing online. But it was still fun even with Rachel's running commentary and James's mad knife skills and Michael's... uh, Michael's ability to uh, stick with me and not get killed... Yes, that works.

So I've decided to quit handheld gaming forever. Yes I know that sounds crazy but I used to use it as a way to kill time between classes and whenever I was around boring people. However I realized that there are people around between my classes, and these people who I thought were boring were only boring because I was boring therefore they acted boring and STUPID SELF FULFILLING PROPHECIES!!!!!!!! Anyway even with all of the social reasons I have for ditching handheld gaming it still ultimately comes down to one thing. The games, and especially the controls are terrible. I was a huge DS fan for 4 years but eventually the only games that I played on the thing were Elite Beat Agents and Phoenix Wright. So my DS went byebye and I bought a PSP. So in about a year and a half, I ended up owning Gran Turismo, Monster Hunter Freedom Unite, Disgaea, Prinny, and Patapon. Unfortunately I just ended up playing GT and Monster Hunter, but even those got incredibly boring since they were games that really required either pressure sensitivity or a second analog stick. Anyway the PSP is no more.

Now I'm watching Kung Pao: Enter The Fist and *mouth hangs open* Watch this movie right now.

Some Debatable Points About Life

I should probably be sleeping but I'd rather just write about random things. Hopefully nothing will be offensive though I might talk about some rather outlandish things. Anyway here goes.

Recently a man sued his daughter's school district because he thought that the words "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance violated the separation of church and state. The court ruled in his favor. However the case was taken to a federal appeals court where it was ruled that the usage of the phrase "Under God" was constitutional and while they were at it, they ruled that printing the words "In God We Trust" on our currency to also be constitutional. Personally I don't think you could make a decent case that this doesn't violate the separation of Church and State (don't get me wrong, I think it's great that we're still using these words in our government). After all if you say it's constitutional, haven't we amended the thing some crazy obscene amount of times?

So the point of this is that I think this should be sending a message to all of the Christians that think the government is out to get them and wants to destroy Christianity. After all, this ruling about the phrases "Under God" and "In God We Trust" was made in San Fransisco. If that doesn't make you think about the situation again then look at Barack Obama. The man is a Christian. Yes he may have some twisted views on things such as abortion but as far as anyone can tell, deep down he's a God-fearing person. And don't say that he's a Muslim because he was born to a Muslim father therefore he's a Muslim forever, because that doesn't make sense. People do have this thing called Free Will. You know, Rush wrote an amazing song about it, various psychologists came up with crazy theories about it. And let's put it this way, Obama says he believes in God and he attends a Christian church so there's really no case that anyone can make that says he's not a Christian.

So if you think that things are spinning out of control and that the government wants to destroy Christianity, just stop, calm down, and breathe because ultimately God's still in charge of things. Just remember that God can do anything so that means that we don't have to believe that all of God's plans are failing. But just remember that not everyone is against Christians. In fact, far less people are than you think. Many, many social psychological studies have shown that people think that people think about them way more than they actually do. Whether it's something as small as that zit that your hair is partially covering up that everyone seems to be staring at, or the government breathing down your neck about to force you to find the keymaster and start believing in a giant Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man or something to that effect, people really don't care that much. In fact it's a self-fulfilling-prophecy. The more you stress out over these things, the more attention you bring to them, and the more people notice.

So relax because God can keep things going if he wants to. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't stand up for ourselves and shouldn't let God use us to accomplish his plans, that just means that we shouldn't act like the entire world is against us.

Here's something else that I'm going to rant about. I've noticed that a lot of Christians try to shield themselves from people who have religious beliefs that differ from their own because apparently everyone is trying to turn them away from God. Personally I'm friends with Christians from various denominations, atheists, a Muslim, a couple Buddhists, and even a Wiccan. But do they want me to not believe in God anymore? No, they actually don't give a crap about what I believe in as long as I'm not trying to convert them from their religion. That doesn't mean that I won't ever preach to them or anything, it just means that I won't as long as they don't want to hear it. Because as I've said before, preaching to someone who doesn't want to hear you only makes it worse.

And then I've heard a few people (not many, but a few) say that anyone who isn't a Christian is completely evil. Some people may argue but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. One of my closest friends is an atheist and she's also one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life and I love her to death. Go ahead and argue but if you do argue then I'm pretty sure that most of my atheist friends are nicer than you.

One more thing (yes there is another, possibly more), I have a serious problem with people judging others for problems they have. I'll admit that I used to do this and it got me in trouble with a lot of people, however recent events in my life have put me in the shoes of people like this and I feel like I can no longer judge someone for who they are especially if they didn't choose to be that way. Some people may say that anyone can change anything about themselves. But that isn't true. God can change anything about us but we can't change everything. For some of us, we live with constant hindrances in our lives that tempt us and cause us to sin, yet we continue to fight them and for a lot of people, myself included, these hindrances only build up our faith even though we may live with them for our entire lives. And it also gives us a different outlook toward others and makes us realize that we're no better than anyone else in this world because we struggle with the same things that other people struggle with.

I could go on forever with this but I need sleep. So feel free to post a comment about how you feel or if you wish to debate any of this.

Time Machines, Why We Don't Have Them, and Why We Never Will

Douglas Adams's book Life, The Universe And Everything (the lack of a second comma is not a typo) has a section about time travel that talks about how history is so messed up as a result of time travel, but because of the rules of time, nothing was ever messed up, that's just how it happened in the first place because after all, in our minds, perception is reality. For example, I could tell you that the signing of the Declaration of Independance was actually a massive viewing of the movie Jaws and later someone went back in time, delayed the production of Jaws a few hundred years (I could also say that Jaws was originally made in 1346) and replaced it with the starting of an exceedingly boring country known as The Republic of People Who Like Jaws. However, then another person later went back and saw to it that the country was named The United States of America. How would you prove me wrong? After all, nobody would know what the past was like before time travel. However the very premise of time travel proves that none of this could have happened because of the lack of time machines in the past, present, and future, because with the implications of time machines, they all suddenly would be in complete contact with each other.

Here's why

Let's say that a person ten years in the future invents a time machine. But through a horrifying accident, he dies from a giant moustrap (because we all know that the earth in five years is going to be invaded by giant mice that find it humorous to use giant moustraps on humans) and his machine is destroyed with him. But taking the secular standpoint that time and the universe itself is infinite, someone after him would make another time machine. He would most likely also die, though it would be from an incident involving a fossilized tomato. So suppose that another person a few million years in the future makes a time machine and survives long enough to use it. He's suddenly going to have access to every point in time, and one of these infinite number of people who manages to make and use a time machine is going to have infinite opportunities to share the knowledge with some poor sap in the past. Eventually this infinite number of people, through the infinity of time would have visited the very beginning of time and given people the technology of time machines. So now people have always had time machines. However going back to the original point that perception is reality and history is perception, we would have no knowledge of time machines not existing. They would have always been there. Therefore we would have them now at this very moment and I would have seen my future self telling me to not waste my time writing this post because I'm not going to go back in time and have it happen. No, it would have already happened because anything that I do in the future that involves going into my past, I would experience as it happens in the past before I go to the future. But since we don't have time machines now, we never will because time travel just isn't possible since we don't and didn't always have the knowledge.

Stories about germs and dessert

There once was a story about a germ that got caught in a mousetrap but the germ was so small that he fell through into another dimension and the mousetrap went right through it and became a piece of fudge. The fudge was dark chocolate rocky road and it has a muffin fetish which is frowned upon in fudgy culture. Everyone knows that fudges are supposed to marry cupcakes and have little brownie childrenAnd then set down moustraps to catch germs in other dimensions. They really only do it because they have a crippling psychological disorder that makes them fear traps but because of their crazy minds they end up setting traps for trapsAnd then one day they realized that they could make germs fall into their dimension with the traps and it became some kind of a twisted evil sport. This sport is of course called Cricket and is in no way related to the evil British sport called Cricket, or the people of Kricket who once tried to build a bomb that would destroy the universe but instead became quite depressed (read Life, The Universe, and Everything for more info on Kricket) But back to the subject, this particular fudge was named Roger and Jelly Beans were his mortal enemies. Roger hates those Jelly Beans with their fire engines that shoot pink slime at unsuspecting tourists. This pink slime causes purple flowers to grow out of anything that it touches, except of course the jelly beans and the brownielings. The reason that there is no dialog in this story is because of the obvious fact that since they have no mouths, fudges are in fact mute. Normally Roger wouldn't have a problem with the flowers, however the color purple causes seizures in fudges. But Roger is immune so he therefore has no reason to fear the flowers. So discovering this immunity, Roger decides to go on a quest to destroy the Jelly Beans with nothing but mousetraps and a retrovirus brought by the germs that causes Jelly Beans to have uncontrollable urges to dress up like bananas and swing blankets around like tomahawks. Having done this, the climax of the story passed without Roger or you, the reader knowing about it, we have gotten past Roger's one weakness which is the climax of a story. Because if Roger ever experiences the climax of a story and is aware of it, he will disappear and immediately be replaced by an incredibly large minnow.

Wait, So Does This Mean That I'm Some Kind Of Gaming Masochist?

As a Christmas present I received a copy of Prinny: Can I Be The Hero. For anyone who doesn't know what it is which is probably everyone who would ever read this, Prinny is a game made by Nippon Ichi Software. Usually that name strikes fear and immense amusement in the heart of just about any gamer, however this time NIS went beyond the call of duty and made what was intended to be the hardest platformer ever made. Well I'm pretty sure that it's safe to say that they succeeded. After all, I've only beaten 2 levels and I've lost over one hundred lives.

In Prinny, you take the role of 1000 creatures called Prinnies. Prinnies are weird ninja surfer penguins that say Dood at the end of every sentence and explode when you throw them. Your quest is to make dessert. Yes, I'm quite serious. But to make this certain "ultimate dessert", you have to gather ingredients from various enemies of your master. To do this, the Prinnies have to do some insane platforming. However you would think that the moment they hit the ground after jumping off of a cliff that they would explode right? Well your master Etna thinks of that and makes you an explosion-proof scarf. Yes, a scarf. However there's only one scarf and 1,000 Prinnies. So when one Prinny dies in a usually humorous way involving a zombie, the next one takes the scarf and carries on the quest.

1,000 lives doesn't sound too bad does it? Well first of all you die in one hit unless you want to be a wuss and play on the easy difficulty which will result in all of the game's fans ridiculing you, the makers of the game will ridicule you, and I will shake my head sadly. Not only do you die in one hit, you can't hit things above you so you have to do a ridiculous double jump to get over the thing and then throw a bunch of knives downward. There are blind jumps everywhere, enemies randomly pop out of the ground forcing you to memorize where they come out, and you can't change your direction in midair so all you can do when you jump off of that ledge and see that flying zombie plant racing towards you, all you can do is scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! and watch your Prinny explode.

And this isn't even the hard part. After each level is a stupidly hard boss. Remember you die in one hit. They die in several dozen. And the only way to get a hit on the boss is to pound on it's head from above and then hit it while it's stunned. Once again, it sounds easy. However most bosses have the ability to hit things above them, and if you so much as touch the boss, the scarf is going to another Prinny. So after fighting a boss you're likely to have lost upwards of 100 lives in just that one level.

Needless to say this game is freakishly hard. Yet for some reason I'm frustrating minute of it. I guess I must be crazy or something.

New Moon lolcats and New Year's Resolutions

So as a New Year's resolution I decided to start blogging again. It may not be about anything in particular, but who said a rabid camel has to make sense? But first of all, here's a link to a brilliant little post:

*NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT*
http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like and it contains massive New Moon spoilers so read at your own risk.

So like I said, I've been thinking of a New Year's resolution and the only thing besides growing an afro was to start blogging again. After all, I blogged for years on Xanga and it was one of the most relaxing stimulating things I ever did. Anyway whether I was writing about Monty Python, crazy social situations, eternal warping situations involving my left ear, or just screaming at people in a British accent, I always had fun. I don't really care if you didn't have fun but you're not being forced to read this... Until now.

Suppose there's an old man sitting in a tree. The old man can't and has to use a powerchair. Unfortunately because of this he can't get out of the tree and he's too high up to just jump out. How do we get him out? Climb up and carry him out you say? The trunk isn't really there. It's just floating. What about a helicopter? Unfortunately it has anti helicopter flying thingamajigger leaves so you would think that a helicopter would work. But what if the helicopter isn't there? Get another one? What the heck is up with you? Let me think of my crazy theories while I listen to the noise of cars wrecking. But if you tell me you're going to get another helicopter then I'm just going to say that there's no reason for that because I'll just say that it isn't really there.

Now, if you were to tell me that I'm insane, couldn't I just say you're insane? After all, in my mind it could be reality, but then I would be insane. So I'm insane either way? Well you're insane. WHAT NOW?!?!?!

But seriously now, it's the end of the year and I just realized that my life has changed crazily this year. First of all, I've started hanging around with a lot of different people than I used to. Mostly those deviously evil little public schoolers. However after an extended leave of absense from various homeschooler events, I started hanging out with them again. So I guess it's a win-win situation.

Also, I'm no longer a vegetarian after 2 and a half years. Actually I just realized that this made it sound like I just started eating meat again. No, that was about 3 months ago. Just remember that obsessive label reading is real and not fun.

Thirdly I finally realized what I really want to do for a career. I'm planning on becoming a high school counselor as ironic as that is. I know here I am a homeschooled guy who could have his masters degree by the time he's 22 and he wants to be a high school counselor. Ah well, I have yet to have any direction otherwise so I'm just going to hope that this is what God wants me to do. So despite the irony, I plan on going through with this.

That's all I'm going to talk about for now. I'll talk to you doods later.